I love the song Psalm 13 by Shane and Shane. (Actually, I guess I should really first credit the Bible, because I read it there first ...)
There are a lot of things I like about it, but I think I mostly appreciate its honesty. I hear tons of songs praising God, but I don't hear a lot of songs about people questioning God's presence. And the whole point is that even though the psalm is questioning God's presence, it ends with trusting in God's love and salvation. "I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." It's the same reason my favorite West Wing episode is "Two Cathedrals." The angered conversation with God is not from one who has no faith ... it's from one whose faith is pivotal to his existence, and whose faith has been shattered.
I'm not sure about anyone else, but I know that I feel a lot of pressure as a Christian. It's not a bad pressure, I guess it's more the standard you hope to live up to but know that you'll fall short of because you're human. But one of the pressures, for me, is to keep my faith during difficult times. I had always hoped that when faced with turmoil I would cling even more closely to my faith and relationship with Christ. And that's usually been exactly what has happened. But this year I was disappointed to find myself turning the other way, not wanting anything to do with God or the church. I didn't want to be at church because I felt like a failure in my faith, and I needed a place to channel my anger. I stopped praying, and when bad things happened to people I knew I went out of my way not to tell them I'd be praying for them. Because, at least at the time, I wouldn't be.
I truly did know that I was lifted up this past year, and I know that God has never left me and never will. But in my grief it was hard for me to process that rationally. Right or wrong, it's part of my journey.
Today was a big day. It was my first time to go to church in months, and I went to both Sunday School and worship for the first time at my dad's old church. I can probably count on one hand the number of times this year I went to a Sunday morning service. I anticipated that it would be difficult, but it wasn't bad at all. It was actually really good. I prayed for peace and an open heart before I went into the building, and that's exactly what I experienced. After Sunday School I actually started walking back to my car and had no intention of staying for the actual church service. But something made me turn around and stay for worship. I'm glad I did. The entire sermon was centered on heaven, and it was a message that I very much needed to hear today.
This past month I've felt more and more like my old self. But one thing was still missing, and that "one thing" is more important to me than anything else. What a relief to have it back.
