I'm So Excited

I've lived in my loft for a year now, and I've yet to get cable. Let me be clear ... I don't think I'll ever be one of those people who shuns TV and thinks it's bad for you. I love TV, and I think it's great for you. 

Not getting cable started off as simply a timing issue -- I couldn't find a good time during the week to block out a few hours to wait for the cable guy. Then as time went on it turned into more of an experiment. I wondered if not having cable would make me watch less TV and instead read more. It hasn't. It just made me buy a bunch of TV seasons on DVD. Then I realized I could watch most of my shows online, so it became more of a cheap thing. Why pay for cable when I can watch online for free? But now I'm really missing it, and I'm thinking about caving and getting it hooked up. The breaking point was this morning.

I was traveling this week for a client meeting, and we had to meet in the hotel lobby at 7:30 this morning to go over reports and strategies. I woke up at 5:30 (because I have a hard time sleeping when I travel -- always afraid I'll oversleep), and I stayed in bed until about 6:15 just flipping through channels. Then I was faced with the age old dilemma ... as I'm getting ready, should I watch Saved by the Bell or Sanford and Son? Both kind of won. I watched the theme song of Sanford and Son, and then I watched Kelly and Zack break up because of Jeff (hot manager at the Max). Then I watched how awkward everyone was in the next episode because they couldn't decide if they should side with Zack or Kelly. But now I can't remember what happens next. Is the next episode when Jessie gets hopped up on caffeine pills, or when Lisa does the sprain? What about when they work at Stacy Kerosi's beach club? Or the very special episode with Zack's duck Becky and the oil spill. I just feel like I'm missing out. Missing out on fun and learning.

Slater: (Jessie is taking caffeine pills) Those pills are dangerous.

Jessie: Yeah, well, so's geometry.

I mean really, just that dialogue alone is worth another monthly bill. 

This is How We Operate

Something has changed with our health insurance at work, and my doctor is no longer in our network. Sad day because she was great. But I did find a new doctor ... seems pretty progressive. I think I'll like him. He's located in New York ... and he's kind of famous.

Tracy: Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?

Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.

Stronger

I was cleaning my office today and I came across my copy of Now, Discover Your Strengths. I have a love/hate relationship with this book. We had to read it for work and submit our strengths to our manager, and I remember being really frustrated that none of my strengths were based on communication. They all are a little crazy sounding. But I now have decided that I like them ... mostly because I laugh when I read the "How to manage a person strong in ____" section of the book.

Without going into that section yet, here are my five strengths (according to the quiz I took in 2005).

1) Positivity - People strong in the Positivity theme have an enthusiasm that is contagious. They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do.

2) Ideation - People strong in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.

3) Adaptability - People strong in the Adaptability theme prefer to "go with the flow." They tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time.

4) Empathy - People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others' lives or others' situations.

5) Input - People strong in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.

As they're described right there, I think these sound okay. It's when you look at the manager's section (giving tips for how to deal with these traits) that they seem to be more, um, quirky.

Here's more of the description for Input ... "You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information -- words, facts, books and quotations -- or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs." It's this last part about collecting tangible objects that makes me laugh. Because my coworkers like to make fun of the idea that I might collect dolls -- which I don't -- and they like to list off other items I might collect ... like human hair, toenail clippings, receipts, etc. And how did they know that my loft is FILLED with sepia photographs? Amazing. They must be collecting information about ME.

This manager's tip for Ideation also makes me laugh ... "She enjoys the power of words. Whenever you come across a word combination that perfectly captures a concept, idea, or pattern, share it with her. It will stimulate her thinking." And I'm not sure if it makes me laugh because it sounds absolutely ridiculous or because I'm embarrassed to admit that I really do love words that much. But I'm not sure the tip is clear, and it makes me think up scenarios of how people might interpret the suggestion. Like just e-mailing me random words. "Laura, ran across these words today and thought you might like them ... voracious ... pow wow ... persnickety ... Kubla Khan!"

Here's a great tip for Input ... "Encourage her to make use of the Internet. She will use it to find information she thinks she needs. Not all of her fact-finding will be immediately useful, but it will be important for her self-esteem." Here's the beauty of this -- nobody needs to encourage me to make use of the Internet. I'm making use of it just fine. And I do use it to find information I think I need, frequently on people.com. But I promise my self-esteem will stay intact, regardless of how my Internet fact-finding missions end up.

My favorite, though, is the description for Empathy. It's also the one that would terrify me if I were my manager ... "Help this person to see her Empathy as a special gift. It may come so naturally to her that she now thinks everyone feels what she feels, or she may be embarrassed by her strength of feeling ... Pay attention but do not overreact when she cries. Tears are a part of her life. She may sense the joy or tragedy in another person's life more poignantly than even that person does." 

My confession about this description is that it's actually pretty accurate. I think that trait is one of the key reasons that I wanted to somehow be involved with a nonprofit organization. I just can't stop thinking about people's stories and situations once I hear them. I think it's more of a "controlled" empathy now, though, since I read really emotional stories everyday as part of my job. They still stay with me, but I don't cry at work. (I'll cry anywhere else, though, because I cry if I'm happy or sad. I cry watching the Olympics, especially at ice skating, and I for some reason cry during slow motion scenes and montages.) 

I think that all in all I like my strengths, though, even if some of them sound odd. But flipping through the book, I really wish that I had Competition in my top five. Because here are the manager's tips ... "Use competitive language with this person ... Measure him against other people, particularly other competitive people ... Set up contests for him ... When this person loses, he may need to mourn for a while. Let him." I love this. It basically sounds like every day would be Field Day at work -- and I sure did love Field Day. Maybe there's a chance Competition could be my sixth strength. Because my "Input" strength has already made me collect/save all of my Field Day ribbons. I'd like to be able to chalk that up to a competitive edge instead of the possibility that I'll soon start collecting other things like butterflies or porcelain dolls. Terrifying.

Goodbye My Lover

Today I called it quits with my longtime love. We've been together off and on for the past 15 years, and we've had a few break ups ... usually during Lent. But this time I think it's really over.

We might meet up again if either one of us is in the mood for a Roy Rogers, but it's probably best to cut ties completely.

I'll miss seeing you first thing in the morning, and at lunch and dinner. And sometimes between meals. Goodbye carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosphoric acid, potassium benzoate, natural flavors, citric acid and sweet, sweet caffeine. I'll miss you the most.

It's been fun, but it's time to move on. To tea.

Love Will Keep Us Together

I have a new favorite playlist right now, and at the top of the list is "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain and Tennille. And I feel like Captain (I don't know for sure which is which, but I'm assuming the guy in the Captain's hat is Captain ...) looks like a young Elliott Gould.

Anyway, the song just makes me so happy. I always feel like it should be playing in the background of Teen Wolf. (My thoughts on the genius of Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf 2 will be saved for a late date.)

Here's the rest of the playlist ...

"Three Little Birds" - Bob Marley

"Forever My Friend" - Ray LaMontagne

"Angel from Montgomery" - Bonnie Raitt

"Mercy" - Duffy

"Two Points for Honesty" - Guster

"Free Fallin' (Live)" - John Mayer

"Don't Stop Believin'" - Journey

"Fishin' in the Dark" - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

"Son of a Preacher Man" - Dusty Springfield

"Motownphilly" - Boyz II Men

"Black Cat" - Janet Jackson

"Smooth Criminal" - Michael Jackson

"Spit on a Stranger" - Nickel Creek

"Stutter (Double Take Remix)" - Joe & Mystikal

"Make You Feel My Love" - ADELE (or Harry Connick Jr.)

"Pop" - *NSYNC

"If I Ever Fall in Love" - Shai

Over My Head

This morning at the gym I had to do something I swore I'd never do. I'd seen other people do it, but I never thought I'd be one of them. Yes, this morning I dried my hair using the hand dryer.

During the past few months, I've become "nameless/nodding" friends with some great characters at the gym. We've never said one word to each other, but we are still somehow cordial. I know that Grandma Lucy* (*name changed not for privacy but because I don't know it) will always wear a type of acrylic high heel as she walks from the locker room to the pool. And Laila* will always make up gospel songs and sing them, loudly. And Fred* will always work out in khaki shorts and black dress socks. He may or may not wear a headband. And then Sun Li* (who is roughly 4'11") will always stand underneath the hand dryer as she dries her hair. And it's kind of okay for her to do this because she has about an inch of room between the top of her head and the bottom of the nozzle. But even though she can clear the dryer without bumping her head, it drives me crazy that she does this every day. Probably because I'm always standing next to her, literally less than a foot away, using the hairdryer that's mounted on the wall. 

But today it wasn't meant to be. I went to dry my hair and the outlet was pretty much shot. So I tried another one. And another one. Nothing that blows air and emits heat was working ... except for the hand dryer. So against my better judgment, I caved and used it. I underestimated how awkward it would be because I forgot I was 7 inches taller than the woman who usually uses it. I realized I couldn't just flip my hair over and stand under it because then I was a little too far away from it. So for a few minutes I had to basically do wall sits to get low enough that I was directly underneath the hand dryer. And that's definitely what I wanted to do after having done 20 minutes of squats and lunges only a few minutes earlier. So after tiring from that, I finally realized that I could turn the nozzle so that it faced the side. And that was how I became a convert to the hand dryer as a hairdryer. It's just so much easier -- I finally get it! Literally blown away. So the new dilemma is this ... do I let it be just a one-time thing, or do I sacrifice pride for comfort and make the transition to old-lady-hands-free-crazy-looking drying? Tough call, tough call.

I guess my concern is this ... what if I can't stop once I make the switch? In high school, we would take sleeper buses to Colorado for ski trips. And in the mornings when we stopped for breakfast at McDonald's we would make a beeline for the bathroom so we could brush our teeth, wash our face and, yes, wash our hair in the sink. And that was kind of (KIND of) okay when you're 16. But not when you're 28. It would not be okay, for example, if I were running late to work one day and thought, "no worries, I'll just get dressed, drive to work and then wash my hair in the sink and dry my hair with the hand dryer." I feel like that would be frowned upon. So I guess I've talked myself out of it for now. But man, Sun Li* is definitely on to something.

It's The Final Countdown

Few shows make me happier than Arrested Development.

Michael: What do you think of when you hear the name "Sudden Valley"?

George Michael: Salad dressing. But for some reason I don't really want to eat it.

Michael: What about "Paradise Gardens"?

George Michael: Yeah ... I can see myself marinating a chicken in that ...

Buster: Mom is becoming a little controlling.

Michael: What tipped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?

Buster: That was half my fault. I thought I saw a graham cracker out there.

Michael: You baited the balcony?

Lucille Bluth: Prove it.

Wife of GOB: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.

GOB Bluth: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?

Wife of GOB: No. Your sister's husband.

GOB Bluth: Michael? Michael.

Wife of GOB: No. That's your sister's brother.

GOB Bluth: No, I'm my sister's brother. You're in love with me? Me.

Wife of GOB: I'm in love with Tobias.

GOB Bluth: My brother-in-law?

Wife of GOB: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.

GOB Bluth: To be with your brother?

Wife of GOB: No.

Hard Times Come Again No More

'Tis a sigh that is wafted across the troubled wave,

'Tis a wail that is heard upon the shore.

'Tis a dirge that is murmured around the lowly grave,

Oh hard times come again no more.

This week, on Wednesday afternoon, my coworker/mentor welcomed a baby girl into the world. Later that night, another coworker/friend received the call that her stepson had left this world. He was only 23 and died in a motorcycle accident. 

I went to the visitation tonight and my heart broke for his family and friends. Most people there were sobbing, but several there were wailing. The type of wail that is rarely heard and would almost instantly make even the most unemotional person in the room cry ... simply because of the sound. I couldn't stop thinking about how much pain that room encompassed, especially for my coworker.

Nobody really talks about crying, and I think it's sad that we try so hard to keep that urge locked up. And when we see or hear someone sobbing, we're usually pretty ill equipped when it comes to comforting them. I don't think I understood the distinction between sobbing and wailing until my father died in August of a heart attack. In the days that followed, my brother, sister-in-law and I were in complete shock, scrambling to plan the funeral and just make it through each day. But at least once a day, one of us would break down and begin to wail -- not just cry, wail. The kind that makes your heart hurt and can't be ignored or willed away. Usually when nobody else was around and we no longer felt the self-imposed need to maintain composure. The sound was unmistakable and heartbreaking. Much of that time is a haze, but I can remember sitting at my brother's kitchen table, writing my dad's obituary, and feeling almost panicked that I had to sum up my dad's life in so few words. I went outside, initially to take a break and walk around the neighborhood. But as soon as I stepped outside I was flooded with grief. I could no longer move, so I sat down in the driveway and began to wail. The same wailing I would experience immediately after the funeral when all the guests had left the sanctuary and it was just my family in the room. The finality of it all began to sink in. And honestly, I had craved that moment. In order to stay composed while giving the eulogy, I made a (ridiculous/unhealthy) deal with myself that I could cry for hours if I needed to once the service was over, but I couldn't really afford to cry too much during the funeral. That type of suppression only makes things worse. But once that sudden grief overtakes you, there's really nothing you can do but let it run its course, basically to the point of exhaustion. At least that's all I knew to do at the time. And it would continue on this way for the next nine months. I could make it through a work day or a movie or a Christmas Eve service, but once I was safely inside my car, away from anyone else, I would break down. During those months I would also cry in front of other people, but not in the same, raw way. There was a short reprieve from that demanding emotion, and it finally came to a head the night before Father's Day. 

Now, with less than a month until the one year anniversary of my dad's death, the wailing seems to have ceased. I would imagine part of that is due to the passage of time, but I hope on another level it's also a sign of slow healing. Maybe the countless tears I've shed can be put to good use. I hope I can be there for other hurting hearts, listening to their stories without needing to share mine in return. But if they can't find the words to share their stories, their tears will speak volumes.

It's Getting Hot in Here

I was home sick for two days this week. Yesterday I slept roughly 15 hours (that's not a nap, as Dane Cook says, it's a coma). When I woke up I was sweating, so I assumed I had a fever. Nope. Just the A/C running out of steam. When I came home tonight, it was absolutely a heat wave. I took off my shoes and burned my feet on the ground. My candles have melted. My contact solution is boiling. The microwave dinners in my freezer have actually cooked themselves. Bad news. So off I go to have a sleepover at someone else's house. If the A/C isn't fixed by tomorrow evening I'm sleeping in the pool.

Georgia On My Mind

I'm usually a Borders girl. But I also love Barnes and Noble, and I went there yesterday because I was already in the neighborhood. I went there to buy a specific book, and I carried that book around the store with me, determined to leave without any impulse buys. And I almost was able to do that. Except I ended up leaving with no book, purchasing four classic DVDs instead ... Out of Africa, The Way We Were, What About Bob? and The Best of Designing Women.

Except after watching it yesterday, I can confidently say it is not the best of Designing Women. Because there's hardly any Bernice, Suzanne does not yet have her pet pig "Noel" and at no point does Julia inform anyone that "you do not CROSS a Sugarbaker woman!" But there are some important lessons learned. Like when Mary Jo realizes that she doesn't need to get implants with the $3,000 her uncle left her. (She instead buys everyone video phones.) Or when Anthony gets everyone to go on the 48-hour fast to help raise awareness for child hunger, and Suzanne realizes that she should no longer complain about having too much food. Probably one of the greatest lessons learned (from the episode "Reservations for Eight") is that I never want to be stranded in a ski lodge with Julia Sugarbaker.

It's Not Easy Being Green

I'm trying to go green. Kind of. Actually, I guess I'm really just trying to make the switch to the good-for-you, curly light bulbs. 

But I'm finding it to be a difficult transition. Mostly because I never really realized how hard it is to change a light bulb in my loft. My overhead lights are all the kinds with the cages that screw around the light bulbs. And I think they are painted shut. And you can't use one of those rods with the suction cup to unscrew the light bulbs in really tall light fixtures. So right now I'm just trying to use my desk chair, but you have to be pretty cat-like to safely do that. Why? Because my chair rolls around on my concrete floors, so every time I get close to the light bulb the chair starts rolling across the room and spinning. I probably just need a ladder, but I'm going to try it my way a few more times before I cave and buy one. Or until I slip off the chair and sprain something.

I'm also finding that the switch to eco/curly light bulbs is costing me in two ways. 1) Curly bulbs are literally costing me because those curls are pricey. But I know the logic is that they last so much longer, so it's ultimately a good investment. And they help keep the earth from eating itself, so I guess that's a plus. 2) Curly bulbs are costing me a little bit of my eyesight. They're much dimmer, so right now they're not stellar to use as reading lights. But I'm not ready to throw that curly baby out with the bath water just yet. (And speaking of bath water, here's an eco fact that is well known and also in the Gorgeously Green book ... taking a bath uses up 20 gallons of water while a shower only uses three. Good to know. Not as helpful is the book's suggestion "don't be in a rush to flush." Um, gross.)

On another green note, I'm about two years into my green tea obsession. My favorites are by Tazo (Giant Diet Peach and Zen) and Bigelow (Lemon and Constant Comment). And because I drink it everyday, the Starbucks downstairs now knows my tea order. And that's really all I've ever wanted from a coffee shop ... other than the hope that one day they'll build a Central Perk in Dallas and Matthew Perry will be a regular there. And maybe he'll have coffee breath and I'll ask him if he wants some gum. To which he'll say "gum would be perfection." 

Yep, one way or another good things will come from going green.

Lightning Crashes

This work week was a "perfect storm" that literally culminated with a perfect storm ... and a lightning strike zapping my office building.

It started off as a week that promised to be stressful ... one boss was on vacation, the other was returning from vacation, we had an emergency project that had to be out the door by Thursday evening, we had a pretty crucial meeting scheduled for Thursday afternoon, and I was moving into a new office. But we knew that everything could get done as long as nothing crazy happened ... like getting struck by lightning and losing power for a day.

But lose power we did. It's always interesting to see how people react in those kinds of situations. And how they dress. Even though most of the company got to come to work three hours late, there still seemed to be a lot of the rolled-out-of-bed look. Like the act of dressing up for work -- or at least brushing hair, putting on shoes that aren't flip flops and shirts that aren't Hawaiian, etc. -- on a late arrival day is just too exhausting to consider. It's almost like senior skip day. Except nobody's a senior and nobody's about to be out for summer. Because work is year round and there is no summer. But back to the blackout ... there will always be the people who still want to work, so they will track down flashlights, windows, candles, lighters, the glow of a cell phone or iPod, and anything else that will allow them to be productive. Then there are the people who will use the opportunity to sneak out under the cover of darkness and run errands, chill at Starbucks, catch a matinee, Costanza it under their desk, what have you. I'm a hybrid of the two. I would like to sneak out, but I seem to always be on a deadline when these kinds of things happen. Or I at least seem to be around people who could get me into trouble if I actually left. In the morning, my team was able to (translation: forced to) have a really long, productive meeting (the office building next door was nice enough to lend us their conference room). But throughout the day, the power kept shutting off for an hour at a time. So while we waited for the power to come back on, I moved offices in the dark. But I also used the opportunity to catch up with some friends at work. It's the closest thing to a blackout party any of us have experienced.

In the end, we regained power, completed all of our assignments, met all of our deadlines, and (truth be told) had fun in the process. But more importantly, our little lightning strike forced us to slow down. Sure we tried to take shortcuts and rush through our projects, trying to work around a power outage and frantic about the "valuable" time we were losing. But it proved impossible. In our attempts to stay in control of the situation we ultimately realized that we're never fully in control. The metaphor for powerlessness was not lost on us.